by Michaila Zarco, BSA 3-1
Looking into the result, it took me a lot of effort to do so. I can see other already expressing their triumph while others simply turn their back and walk away … dejected. But now, it’s my time to face it even though my strength seems to be slowly taken away as I pace my way towards the list of passers. What I saw made me taken aback or is it better to say “what I didn’t see”. At that point, I didn’t know how to react and so I let my tears fall and my memory to have a recall.
“What do you want to take up,” I remember papa asking without a miss until I made up my mind to take up Accountancy. Inspired by my high school senior, becoming a CPA is what I envisioned myself from then on. Upon entering the university, since I never dared to step out of my safe haven, I must say that I was culture shocked … with the first 30 minutes of my college life. =) The fun of having people sharing the same dream served as my stress-relief in this new world I’m on in. I glided my way throughout first year making me confident enough to continue for the next level. However, hope somehow left me during my second year. The cliché of “Compre = bye bye CAE” made me give the examination a dire impression. Knowing that I should take the Comprehensive Exam, I’ve been downcasted and thought of myself as klutz. “Where did I make a mistake,” I kept on asking it until I learned that I passed and then I proved that my assumption wasn’t factual at all.
Second chance given should never be taken for granted, I said to myself. Starting my third year until I graduated, I learned to fight headlong with calculator as my sword and Valix & Dayag as my shield. I prepared myself in every battle to 6+ pages of quizzes keeping in mind that at the end of the day, whatever the result will be, invested herein were my determination for my aspiration. Nonetheless, I’ve never been oblivious of my friends’ presence who share the same fight with me. Thanks to them, I was able to repress depressing times of failure. Managing to defy sleepless nights, cramming moments, and zombie-like features in the morning, I’m sure, not only me but all BSA students have gotten into it. So as the day of graduation came, I felt that all hardships were worth it. As I took my diploma, I saw myself standing close to my goal. Only one step left and eagerly I said “CPA board exam, here I come.”
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Now I’m here, standing, with tears that keep on flowing while reciting an oath with others in unison. I’ll never be tired of remembering the day when I saw my name in the list of CPA board passers. Back then, out of disbelief, I cleared my blurry eyes and took a look for one more time. I didn’t see any mistake and what I’m reading is my name, clearly written. The sudden bursts of emotion were ecstatic since I knew that I’ve gone through unconfident choices, unplanned decisions, and occasional adversities. But those served as my grindstones to reach where I am right now. I already fulfilled my utmost ambition but I believe this is not yet the limit of my capacity so I’ll still continue my pursuit to excellence in the new world I’m about to enter – the world of CPAs.
ni Nellymar Basa, BSA 1-2
Takipsilim na nang umuwi si Pepe buhat sa paaralang kanyang pinasukan. Tangan-tangan niya ang mga bagong kaalamang natutunan na siguradong nagpayabong ng pahat niyang isipan. Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, walang nakakaalam na ang musmos niyang damdamin ay inaalipin pala ng problemang hindi niya alam kung paano matatakasan…
Tila may nag-iiba na sa kilos ng Pepeng noon ay makulit at hindi naikukubli ang mga ngiti sa labi. Ang kapansin-pansing binata ay unti-unting binago ng problemang walang nakakaalam maging ang kanyang mga magulang.
Napansin nang minsan ni Aling Tina ang pagbabago ng anak, tulala sa isang tabi at pilit na ikinukubli ang bagay na hindi niya mawari. Ang Pepeng noon ay napakasipag kung pumasok ay pahirapan niyang pinakikiusapan magtungo lamang sa eskwelahan. Animo’y may kung anong kurot ng takot sa kanyang dibdib na pumipigil sa kanyang gwawin ang alam niyang ay tama.
Nais mang malunasan ni Aling Tina ang problemang dala-dala ng anak, hindi niya alam saan at paano niya sisimulang solusyunan ang problemang hindi niya nalalaman. Alam niyang bilang isang ina, ang lubos na pagmamahal sa anak ay maipapakita niya sa pag-intindi at pag-alala sa mga oras na ito’y may problema.
Isang araw ay isang nagmalasakit na kaklase ni Pepe ang lumapit kay Aling Tina. Baon nito ang balitang tumuldok sa di mapakaling isip niya. Napag-alaman niya na ang kanyang anak ay dumaranas na isang matinding problema sa ilalim ng walang awing kamay ng mga tinaguriang “bully” sa kanilang paaralan.
Halos hindi matanggap ng kanyang kalooban ang mga naririnig na kwento mula sa kaklase ni Pepe. Paminsan-minsan napakarami umanong dala-dalang mga bag ni Pepe, tagabili ito ng mga pagkain ng mga nananakot sa kanya at ang pinakamasalimuot ay ang paggawa nito sa mga proyekto ng mga naghahari-harian sa kanilang paaralan.
Dagdag pa niya, walang magawa si Pepe kundi ang sumunod dahil alam niyang kapakanan niya ang nakataya rito gayundin ang kanyang kaligtasan sa labas ng paaralan. Inabuso ng mga ito ang mahinang loob ng isang binatang takot sa gulo at pinagsamantalahan ang karuwagang alam nilang hindi papalag at madaliang matititinag.
Habag at pagkaawa ang naramdaman ni Aling Tina sa anak. Hindi niya maikubli ang panghihinayang na hindi niya natulungan ang anak sa mga oras na ito ay nahihirapan at nagdurusa sa problemang hindi bunga ng kanyang kasalanan at malayo sa kanyang kagustuhan.
Habang tila nabibingi ang kanyang mga tainga sa dagundong ng mga balita, tila nahihiwa ng sakit ang kanyang puso sa nalamang pinagdaraanan ng anak. Hirap siyang tanggapin at halos punuin siya ng galit sa mga balitang nalaman, gayunpaman alam pa rin niya na hindi maitutuwid ang mali ng isa pang pagkakamali. Mali na makisali pa siya sa gulong ito bagkus, nararpat lamang niya kausapin ang anak niyang hindi na niya lubos na makilala.
Lubos nang binago ng karanasang ito ang personalidad ng kanyang anak. Nilamon na ng takot ang tiwala sa sarili ng binata. Nawala na ang lakas ng loob na matagal na niyang binuo kapalit ng takot. Malayung-malayo na si Pepe mula sa dating siya…
Nang araw ding yaon, pagkauwi ni Pepe buhat sa paaralan ay agad siyang niyaya ng kanyang ina sa hapag upang simulan ang usapang hindi inaasahan ng binata. Agad na kinausap ni Aling Tina si Pepe tungkol sa nabalitaan niya sa kamag-aral nito. Sa kanilang pag-uusap namayani ang pagmamahal ng ina sa anak- ang kakayahang gawin nito ang lahat, mapagaan lamang ang bigat ng kaloobang nararamdaman nito.
Pinuno ng matinding emosyon ang tahanan nila. Hindi maipaliwanag ang emosyong ipinapakita ni Pepe sa bawat patak ng luha na umaagos mula sa dalawa niyang mata. Pagsisising hindi niya naibigay ang tiwala sa ina tungkol sa problemang dinadala niya. Kalungkutang sinuklian ng mga yapos ng Inang nangangaral at nagpapalakas ng loob ng anak. Tulong na hindi pa huli at papawi sa hirap na nararanasan ng kanyang anak.
Muling pinalakas ni Aling Tina ang kumpiyansa sa sarili ni Pepe. Ibinalik ang tamang pag-iisip na pairalin ang tapang sa oras na inaalipusta ang kanyang kabaitan at pag-iisip na palaging gagawin ang tama anumang oras at saanman siya naroroon. Respetong at paggalang na nararapat na may limitasyon at hindi papayag na maabuso ninuman.
Nagtapos ang maramdaming usapan na puno ng sarap sa pakiramdam at paggaan ng kalooban ng binata. Nasagot ang problemang bumabagabag sa isip at damdamin ni Pepe nang dahil sa kanyang ina hindi niya naisip na matutulungan siya. Napagtanto niya ang kanyang pagkakamali na nagawa at ang kainamang natuto siya mula rito.
Mula noon, natuto na siyang tumayo sa kanyang mga paa, bigyan ng limitasyon ang kabaitan sa kapwa at matutong ipagtanggol ang sarili sa oras na naapakan na at nayuyurakan na ang kanyang pagkatao. Hindi na siya muling ginambala pa ng mga pananakot ng mga tinaguriang salot sa paaralan o mga “bullies.”
Sa tulong din ni Aling Tina, nagkaron ng tapang si Pepe na isumbong ang mga kamag-aral na nananakot at umaalipin sa kanya. Dahil rito, nahinto ang kanilang pambubully at natutu sila sa tamang leksyon. Pinatawan din sila ng kaukulang parusa at dahil rito natutu sila sa kanilang pagkakamali. Nanghingi sila ng paumanhin kay Pepe at sa iba pang estudyanteng kanilang naabuso. Dahil rito, wala ng naghahari-harian sa buong paaralan at naging pantay- pantay na uli ang lahat.
Masaya si Pepe sa kinalabasan ng kanyang mga pinagdaanan. Napatunayan niya ang pagkakabuklod sa pamilya ang tanging unang masasandigan sa oras na alanganin ka sa desisiyong maaari mong gawin. At higit sa lahat, nahubog muli ang tiwala sa sarili at lakas ng loob na minsang ninakaw ng mga taong nag-iwan at nagpamalas sa kanya ng kakaibang karanasan…
by Jonah Leigh Ramos, BSA 1-2
And the evening was as sympathetic and as nefarious as it can be— the starless abyss as dark as my thoughts, and the heavy downpour of rain as weighty as my stone heart. I saunter my way to the abandoned park, through the road made non-visible by the heavy rain. Despite the fact that I cannot make anything out, I continue to walk with my hand firmly grasping the half-empty bottle of beer I’ve set aside for my “quiet time” tonight.
I position myself under a big tree standing nearby, where I know I’ll somehow be covered from the rain, where I know will at least be someplace where my drinking will not be too interfered. For a moment I hold myself still, concentrating on the rhythm of the large raindrops heavily tapping the earth. Then I open the bottle and drink in the alcohol. I think about Father, and all those hurtful memories accompanying him which I can’t seem to put into oblivion.
I wonder what he’s doing at this point of time; how he now looks like, how he’s managing after leaving Mother and me broken. I wonder how his daughters from that woman treat him. Are they angry at him for having another beloved besides their mother? Or have they accepted him already for whoever he’s been? I, myself, am not certain of what I should feel towards him. There’s no ire engulfing me at all, because for an unexplainable reason, Father had become just a distant fragment of my past, an untouchable shadow with whom I had no connection at all.
Something must be wrong with me. Why don’t I feel a bit of hatred for him, for him who had long since shattered my life?
I realize that I’ve been swearing under my breath. I take another gulp of alcohol and feel it chill my throat, then burn my stomach. As I fix my gaze upon the rusty swing placed on a distance, I picture Dad and myself bonding like a normal “father and son” and try to feel the merriment it’d bring. With that I later find myself preferring the situation where Father would hide from us his second family (I suppose that would be a lot better) than Mother and I being that “second” to him. It would at least be lighter if we are the legal family, but then we aren’t.
I’ve come to understand why he insisted on not getting married. It was smart of him to reason that such a ceremony would be costly; that we, who are poverty-stricken, will not be able to afford such kind of event. He is annoyingly witty, and perhaps impressively heartless to leave us crying for him; to easily detach from us who can’t likewise easily let go.
His leave had left us feeble, but in order for us to survive I urged myself to fight. I studied harder out of my strong desire to prove that we can manage without Father; and worked part-time to support our living. The outcome was good, so I expected Mother to somehow get over it. I want her to stand dignified and proud, but then that wasn’t the case.
She pushed all her efforts to compose herself in my presence, but I won’t be fooled with such behaviour. I can see the fragility inside the seemingly strong woman before me. Every night I hear her bitter cries from her room, her grief echoing down the hallway. I tried and wanted to understand that the pain she felt is perhaps greater than that in me. And so I tried to ignore the way she acted and continued to fight myself.
But then I grew tired, exhausted of all the non-gaining-anything efforts I give. I felt stupid. I don’t even know this woman I’ve been living for anymore— so cold, so distant, so not the mother I used to know. Everything I did seemed just a chasing after the wind.
And so I broke myself free from any bond of responsibility to feel the freedom so long been kept from me. I felt idiotic to have spent my years learning at school, I mean, why do I have to burden myself with impractical matters? I can live without it. For years I’ve been keeping myself from associating with anyone. I’m not going to take the risk of being abandoned once again. Only this bottle in my hand will be my partner in all my escapes, the only on to keep me carry on.
I enjoy watching Mother try to connect with me again. Her attempts of reaching out to me with those pitiful eyes provide me entertainment. As much as possible I ignore her. I want to make her feel as miserable as I’d been the time she was with me but far away. This would be fine— I’ve lost my affection for her anyway.
Returning to reality, I realize the smirk formed on my face. The rain hadn’t yet ceased. I drink in the remaining content of my bottle as I stare upon a nonexistent point far ahead. Then some sort of a figure begins to materialize. I halt my drinking and squint in the darkness, foolishly trying to make out the figure.
A man.
I stand up and take a few steps forward. The man had a familiar body frame. Now I don’t know if my imagination is cunning me, or if the person under that umbrella is real. Either way, the sight is painful.
The rain begins to pour heavier. I take a few more steps forward, forgetting the bottle in my hand. My voice seems to have been stuck in my throat that I can’t manage to call out. Ignoring the large raindrops heavily tapping my head, I stand up as stable as I could to watch him go to wherever he’s going. He seems to be in a hurry, throwing back glances on the road where he came from.
And then as he focus his eyes back to the street ahead, his eyes meet mine.
Father begins to decelerate. For a few seconds he held himself stock-still looking at me. “Father!” I call out and slowly make my way towards him. I try to clear my perception of his face, its features— I want to remember. “Father!” I call out again.
I begin to run, calling out his name louder and louder as I get nearer to him, but then he begins to run, too, as fast as he could to get away from his son who perhaps is a curse to him. But I don’t care. I must get to him quickly.
I trip but I stand up immediately. Desperate to make him stop, I call to him louder, but my irritating sobs won’t cooperate.
I begin to feel dizzy, and feel myself go slowly. Aggravated, I swear under my breath before tripping once more and this time now helplessly falling on the ground. I try to search for him as I lay on the ground, but there was nothing my eyes would see through this rain.
The heaven’s cries wash away my tears, as if understanding my want not to let anyone witness the vulnerable side of me… shattered by perhaps, a painful illusion I’ve longed to make real.
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